


There's Always Money In The Banana Stand

by Poemsingreenink



Category: The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Humor, M/M, Not!Fic, Reality TV, very serious things not taken all that seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-21 08:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17040629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poemsingreenink/pseuds/Poemsingreenink
Summary: Goodnight is the long lost son of a very old, very rich family that he ran away from years ago. A family so full of drama they have their own reality TV show. Something he only just discovered....





	1. There's Always Money In The Banana Stand

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on Tumblr, and as such has a kind of Tumblr feel and flow to it. Which means there's a lot of run on sentences, and random comments. It might not be your cup of format. You have been warned.

"There's always money in the banana stand." - George Bluth, _Arrested Development_. 

 

So the Robicheauxs are rich. Really rich. Disgusting rich. Old money rich. So rich that they might as well be living on a different planet than the rest of us.

How they managed to get their money is well documented. How they currently manage to keep making more of it is….sort of confusing/not discussed/you don’t want to know, but that’s not the point. The point is that the Robicheaux clan agreed to film a reality tv show. Think _Southern Charm_ meets _Keeping Up With The Kardashians_ , and it’s a hot mess. Mama and Daddy Robicheaux are nuts sure, but at least they’re very business minded if crazy in that “we’ve been rich for too long and it’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost? 10 dollars?” divorced from reality kind of way.

But their brood of children is something else all together. In no particular order the Robicheaux children are fond of; parties, gambling, strippers, cocaine, alcohol, private jets, the kind of alcohol with little bits of real emerald crushed into it, race horses, high paid escorts, buying large parcels of land, whiskey, French boarding schools, Italian sports cars, diamonds, guns, cheating on their spouses with high paid escorts, not paying the high paid escorts the full agreed upon amount, trashing hotel rooms and throwing ostentatious charity balls because those always come with an open bar.

They are, arguably I suppose, the worst people in the world, and every one of the (cough legitimate cough) siblings signed onto this dumb ass show.

Well…..there is one exception.

You see no one’s seen Everett (known as Goodnight to his friends) for going on 20 years. Not since their youngest brother stood up during dinner, said “I’ll be right back” and then disappeared into the night.

(His family hasn’t disowned him, but what the family maybe doesn’t understand is that Goodnight has disowned _them_. He is not coming back)

So anyway Goodnight Robicheaux has been living in Nebraska (fucking Nebraska) for the last 19 years, working as a librarian for the last 16 years, partnered with Billy Rocks for the last 15 years, legally married to him for the last 3 years, and overall doing pretty well for a rich boy turned real boy.

One day Goody gets a text from Billy, who is home sick with the flu, and all it says is “Come home. I got worse, and my nose hurts.” Which is concerning.

So he goes home, and Billy is sitting in the couch surrounded by used tissues, blankets and half-drunk cups of tea. He’s got the thermometer in his mouth, and he’s kind of glaring at it which makes him look ridiculous since glaring at a thermometer when it’s under your tongue just makes you look cross-eyed. Goodnight puts his hand over Billy’s forehead and looks at the thermometer and says, “ _Cher_ , you don’t look better, but you certainly aren’t worse. What’s wrong?”

And Billy motions to the tv and mumbles something, and Goodnight kind of glances at it, but it’s a commercial so…right ok, and just when Goodnight is about to tell Billy that maybe he should lie back down, he’ll make him some soup, he hears something he hasn’t heard in 20 years; his eldest brother’s voice.

Goodnight doesn’t go back to work. Billy never gets his soup. Instead they both watch as Goodnight’s entire family struts across their tv screen.

The first thing he does (after reassuring Billy that “No honey, you’re not hallucinating. Those are the people in the photos I showed you”, and then reassuring himself that he hasn’t had (another) nervous breakdown) is call his six closest confidants (ok his only confidants) because what the ever loving fuck?

Because here’s the thing, Goody is one of those weirdos who doesn’t watch tv. “Who has time for tv when there are all of these books around!” Is his motto because he’s a giant nerd. Billy likes _The Great British Bake Off_ , _The Expanse_ and this whole slew of Korean dramas so neither of them have heard about the new smash reality tv show.

He receives the following responses;

-Sam, watcher of nature documentaries, the history channel and like every sport under the sun (Sam know the rules to curling and cries during all the Olympics). Has no idea what the hell Goody is talking about. He probably shouldn’t have been his first call.

-Emma sighs audibly. “ Yes, yes. I watch it. I didn’t mean to! It’s like a car crash I can’t look away from! Wait why do you ask?”

She is silent for several seconds after Goody blurts out that they’re his blood relations, and he just found out about this, and "How popular is this, Emma?!”

Her silence speaks volumes.

-Red makes a verbal noise of disgust. Goody can practically hear his eye roll, which right away tells him something. That “stupid show that Vasquez loves that I have to watch because Vasquez invites Horne over every week to watch it, and I don’t like to be left out of things. It’s a master class in white privilege and stupidity.”

Goody is nodding so fiercely during all of this that Billy’s afraid his head will fly off.

After Goody tells him they’re his family Red is a little embarrassed by his outburst, but…look he said what he said.

-Faraday spends 15 minutes taking about how hot all Goody’s lady relations are even though his mama’s boob job is super noticeable. Goody hangs up.

Here’s what happens after:

Billy is kind of fascinated by this. Once he’s well again he goes over to Red and Vasquez’s, and makes them put the show on. He makes it through three episodes before he has to turn this car crash off. Still, part of him found it interesting because Goody has his mother’s eyes, and his father’s scowl, and so does his brother Emmett.

Billy’s family likes Goodnight like-a weird amount, and Billy knew about Goody’s break from his but was always a little curious.

His big concern is whether or not this will make Goody relapse. Goody has been sober for 12 years, and Billy also has as a result. Like nothing. No alcohol, no weed, nada. He doesn’t miss it.

Goody doesn’t relapse. This isn’t bad…exactly. It’s just…weird. But sometimes Billy will come home from the garage where he works with Red to find Goodnight watching the show while standing, always standing, with one hand under his chin transfixed. He actually never makes it through a full episode.

He’s also now prone to shaking Billy awake at night to say things like, “If that doorbell ever rings, and one of them is on the other side we are not at home!”

And “God my mother and middle sister Betty would love you. I can never make introductions, but they would! They’d all love you.”

And “That is not Jacob’s real nose. I don’t know what happened, but that’s not the nose I punched when I was 17.”

And “I love them. I do, but being with them is like riding a tornado. I can’t go back to that.”

And “I suppose this gives you an entirely different perspective on me now.”

Which to Billy is such bullshit. No one knows Goodnight better than Billy. Goody could miraculously sprout feathers and Billy would just kind of shrug. Crazy, rich families are nothing, and damn it he already knew about them! But he does always hold him after he says anything that sounds like that.

Goody waits with baited breath for…anything to happen after this discovery. Nothing does, and eventually he starts to relax, but there’s one small problem.

See, Horne runs a pretty active Tumblr dedicated to this show. It’s been on for a season and a half, its popularity is only growing, and there is one big running mystery on the show that lights fandom on fire because it was the big end of season one bombshell drop during a huge family dinner fight; Where’s the youngest Robicheaux?

Remember when I said that the family didn’t disown Goodnight? Well, that’s because he’s the only family member the lot of them both love and _like_. No really, they love that idiot and there was a massive freak out those first few years when he left.

Still, when Goody disappeared Goody went off the fucking grid so no one knows where he went. They’ve named him, but they always call him ‘Everett,’ and all photos of him just…don’t look like Goody now with the age, gray and facial hair. So everyone can be forgiven for not connecting any of this. (Also, be real. Do you ever give your friends such bizarre back stories?)

But it’s a mystery that’s only getting juicer with every passing episode, and Horne prayed on it and thinks it’s really important that he warn Goodnight about this because while family is a blessing Horne was Goodnight’s AA sponsor and these people are crazy. Also, the pressure on the mystery is building. Horne is worried about what season three could bring. Specifically, he’s worried about the strange car that just rolled up to his gas station. The one with the Hollywood type in the front seat.

Yeah, he should call Goodnight. Now.

 


	2. Burning Down the Banana Stand

"You burnt down the banana stand!?" -George Bluth, _Arrested Development_. 

 

The Hollywood Type that Horne sees through his gas station window eventually gets out of the car. She is a tall, striking, black woman who looks to be somewhere in her late-thirties, with a very artfully pile of braids on her head, and an ensemble that says, “This black pencil skirt costs more than your house, but strikes the perfect balance between elegant and sensible because I spend most of my life in board rooms.”

Horne will not understand why it’s a big deal that her [black stiletto pumps have soles of red leather](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.neimanmarcus.com%2FChristian-Louboutin-Decollete-554-Spiked-Lace-Red-Sole-Pump%2Fprod207730097_cat39620738__%2Fp.prod%3Ficid%3D%26searchType%3DEndecaDrivenCat%26rte%3D%25252Fcategory.service%25253FitemId%25253Dcat39620738%252526pageSize%25253D30%252526No%25253D0%252526Ns%25253DSELLABLE_DATE%25257C1%252526refinements%25253D717%26eItemId%3Dprod207730097%26xbcpath%3Dcat000000_cat000730_cat43240842_cat39620738%26cmCat%3Dproduct&t=ZjllMjlkYWRkNmVjMjIzYTY5MDdjOGNmODI2ODFmNGQxYWY4ZWI2MCxkNDlhMjhhNGViZGY3ZWM1YzQ3YjYwNTMxYjNhZjAyZjRhM2MzYmJl), but Emma will see those later and have to breath into a bag for a few seconds. 

Her name is Helen Jones, she will turn out to be the most charming person Horne has ever met. She will chat him up for about 30 minutes, and at the end of it say, “Hey she’s just passing through on her way to Chicago, and could you please point her in the direction of an auto shop? Her car’s been making an odd noise for the last 25 miles or so.” 

Horne stutters out that yes Rocks’ Repairs is just a block or two away, and if she tells him he sent her she’ll get a free tire rotation. 

So things are looking great.

The very strange thing that everyone is going to talk about later is how Helen in no way shape or form hid where she was from (LA), what her job was (”I work mostly in entertainment,”), and yet no one thought it was coincidental that she was suddenly here, and everyone sang like a canary for her. 

-She drops her car by Rocks’ Repairs, and (After Vasquez declares himself in love with her the second she walks in) both he and Red just can’t stop talking about their friend/boss Billy who opened his place 10 years ago, and how they’re all good friends and how Billy can fix literally anything from motorcycles to cars, and is kind of a quiet guy, but actually a really nice guy, and he once saved a box full of kittens and kept them in his office. And oh yeah, Billy and his husband Goodnight come over to play poker every Sunday…

-She mails an actual god damn letter at the post office (”Because you know mail”), and talks to Sam about how this isn’t his home town, but it’s his fault that the population keeps growing because he just keep bringing home strays. Take for example his best friend Goodnight...

-She puts her menu down atop counter at the local diner, and gently inserts herself into the conversation the waitress, her nametag says “Emma”, and a guy in a leather jacket that _has_ to be Billy are having about how they’re both going to be so pissed if they actually do an American remake of _Train To Busan_ , because that movie is perfect and fuck you Hollywood. Her question “Even if they hired John Boyega as the leading man?”  almost makes Billy explode, and he rants for about 15 minutes about how if you’re going to make an American remake you at least have to hire an Asian American actor, and NO he will not accept John Cho, and he’s already had this argument with Goodnight. He kind of has this conversation while waving his butter knife around. It’s a whole thing.

-She has a drink at “Jacks!” where she and Faraday do shots of whiskey, sing Karaoke and he tells her that if she’s looking for free Wi-Fi the library is her best bet. Goodnight the librarian is the whole reason they _have_ Wi-Fi because he pushed for it, set it up, knows how to fix it. Oh, no Goodnight’s been sober for years so he never comes in here.

The last stop Helen makes is to the library where she asks for Goodnight’s help with the Wi-Fi, and then just sits there going through her emails until her phone rings, and it’s Red telling her the car should be okay now. She thanks them, pays, and drives off into the sunset.  

Goodnight gets home that night, and finds he has missed several calls.

Things will go back to being tense for a few months with Goodnight convinced that at any moment a camera crew is going to jump out of the bushes or a family member is going to appear in the library stacks. He has several stress-filled phone calls with Horne, and will suggest that he and Billy pack “bug out bags”. Billy laughs out loud at that, and shows him that he’s had those things packed and hidden in the closet since the first moved into this place. This calms Goodnight quite a bit. He does not relapse. 

Again, nothing happens. The Robicheaux’s Reality Show (It’s called _Lucky Louisiana_ ) finishes season two. Summer hits. All’s quite, all’s well.

Except it’s not. You know that it’s not. 

Because the year turns, the leaves start going gold, and the promotion pole dance for season three kicks off, and oh boy do they have a juicy draw. Internet whispers say that the youngest Robicheaux’s been found, and he’ll be showing up in the first episode.

Horne shares this news with Vasquez and Red, and they collectively agree that this is bullshit. Reality TV isn’t reality. Filming is already done by the time a show airs, and weird legal documents have to be signed even if you’re only going to show up in the same restaurant as everyone else. God knows Goodnight would never have agreed to any of that. Still, they do not tell Goodnight about this. Goodnight of course hears about it anyway because this is a small town, Vasquez tells Faraday everything and Faraday can’t keep his mouth shut. 

Goodnight insists on coming over for the first episode. Sam comes over because “We think Goodnight’s going to have a nervous breakdown, and we’d really like you to be around for that.”, (Billy secretly packs the car ahead of time just in case Goodnight wants to hop in and drive…anywhere else for the rest of their lives. Maybe Colorado or Canada). 

Vasquez and Horne sit on the couch, absolutely enrapture by what’s on screen. Red sits on the floor with parts of the ceiling fan on the floor so he can fix it, and rolls his eyes every five minutes like clockwork. Goodnight is pacing behind the couch, and Billy is in the kitchen pretending to not watch Goodnight while also eating (Emma brought chips and guacamole). 

The Robicheauxs are still the Robicheauxs. In that they are currently screaming at one another around a kitchen counter that could fit Red’s entire apartment, the ladies long nails make this weird raptor clicking noise against everyone’s wine glass and every five second someone’s use of the word ‘fuck’ has to be bleeped out. 

The episode runs. Nothing happens. Billy actively shoves a plateful of chips and guac into Goody’s hands which he actually starts eating during the last commercial break. They are almost to the finish line. Fuck you Internet. 

Then it happens. With less than three minutes left in the episode, and with the lot of them gathered in the living room, the Robicheaux’s doorbell rings. They all seem very shocked by this strange event. (Which, come on now you know they’ve got a gate, and dogs, and bees, and dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees to keep strangers out. Who is everyone trying to kid?)

The door is opened to a man in his early forties, with floppy brown hair, piercing blue eyes, and face that has the same kind of make and model that almost all of the Robicheaux men have. (Maybe a cousin?) But he’s…..shinier than Goodnight. That guy probably wasn’t an alcoholic by 15, and has definitely taken care of his skin. He’s at least an inch taller. His face is a little thinner, and Billy can just tell that if he smiles it’s going to be as white as an Apple store. There’s not going to be that one tooth that’s slightly off color like Goodnight has because that tooth was knocked out years ago by a horse.

Billy hates him on sight.

Whoever the fuck this is has his hat in his hands. He walks into the home, right to the chair where mama Robicheaux is sitting, bows his head and says, “Mama. It’s me. It’s Everett. I’ve come home.”

There is silence in both Red’s, and the Robicheaux’s living room. The entire apartment. Possibly the entire town.

When it’s broken, it’s by Goodnight who is absolutely incandescent with rage. Spraying chip crumbs all over Vasquez he shouts:

“That. Is. NOT. ME!!!!”

Right before his mother opens his arms to whoever the hell that is and exclaims, “Oh Everett! You’ve come home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This kind of format has to have a name. Anyone know what I would call this? (No one is allowed to say "An insult to the English language!" No matter how questionable my comma usage might be. That's just mean. ;) )


	3. $25K lining the banana stand!

"There's $250,00 dollars lining the walls of the banana stand. How much clearer can I say _there's always money in the banana stand_!?" -George Bluth, _Arrested Development_.  

 

 

Things get weird after that.

Now when Billy comes home he’ll find Goodnight watching the show while pacing (never sitting. What does he never just sit down?), and yelling. Sometimes in English, most of the time in French and every so often in Korean (And wow those Skype calls they’ve been making to Billy’s parents every fortnight are really improving his accent and vocabulary!). He also likes to grip the back of the couch and shake the whole thing, and it’s not that Billy’s attached to that couch or anything, but he doesn’t want to have to replace the TV and Billy’s afraid that’s going to be the real victim in all of this.

(Side note. Billy came to America all on his own years ago to ride a motorcycle cross country. No really. That’s it. His parents are a very nice middle class couple who had three children of which Billy is the middle child. Billy was…let’s just say not a great student. He’s not stupid he just really hated school. Got into a lot of fights. His younger sister and older brother are very successful doctors. They heart surgeons for fuck’s sake. They literally fix hearts. Goodnight once said that so was Billy because he went and fixed Goodnight’s heart, and Billy had to shove his face into a menu to stop him from seeing how hard he blushed because for fuck’s sake Goody! You can’t just drop that on someone in an Applebees.  Any who, Billy’s parents loooooooove Goodnight. Which was not something Billy saw coming at all. Billy’s parents (mistakenly) believe meeting Goodnight 10 years ago is what got Billy to stop riding that death machine, have a permanent address, and finally find a job that pays in real money. Also, U.S. citizenship. Also, Goodnight is learning the language, and he and Billy have flown to South Korea to visit. You might remember that I said Goodnight and Billy have been together for 15 years not 10. You are not mistaken. It’s just that a lot of…things happened in those first five years that neither of them deem appropriate to tell Billy’s parents about. It’s better this way).

Goodnight has NO IDEA how to deal with this new twist in the plot. He just knows that he’s mad as hell, and he’s not going to take it anymore just as soon as he can figure out what it is he’s taking!

Billy also has no idea how to handle this. He made the mistake of (Gently! Gently!) suggesting that Goodnight just shut the TV off, and pretend the show doesn’t exist. This was not a good suggestion. He also tried setting out books he knows Goodnight really wants to read like bait, but Goodnight never bites!  

Sam takes him out to dinner and Goodnight rips through hamburgers like an angry coyote, and snarls about how stupid every single one of his siblings has to be to actually think he magically gained an inch or so in height. “That was Evangeline’s favorite taunt when we were growing up! That she was so much taller than me, and now some jackass with three inches on her and stock in teeth whitening stripes waltzes through the door, and she can’t smell a rat?! How much cocaine has she done in the last 20 years!?”

(Side note; a lot.)

Horne and Vasquez have kind of lost their taste for this show after what just happened (There’s always _Southern Charm_ ), but surprisingly Red is the one who makes them keep it on because “This is weird. Something is weird, and I’m going to figure it out, but I can’t figure it out if I don’t watch it.”

“He doesn’t even have the basic information down!” Goodnight wails at Emma on his break. This is his seventh cup of coffee, and Emma’s never needed to cut someone’s caffeine intake off, but this can’t be good for him. “He got my birthday wrong in the last episode, Emma. MY BRITHDAY! And my mama didn’t even blink.”

He’s not wrong either. Whoever this Everett Robicheaux is he’s a _terrible_ imposter. He doesn’t even have the basics down. Things a quick Google search would bring up.  

Goodnight has stopped shaking Billy awake which is so much worse, because now he just lies awake staring at the ceiling. One night when Billy woke up, he turned to him and said, “How do they not know that’s not me? Am I so easy to replace?”

Billy was always kind of neutral about the Robicheauxs. They never sound evil in Goody’s stories just ridiculous and destructive. Strangely, despite all the (sometimes literal) hair pulling in the family, Goodnight did not have any my parents didn’t love me stories. He has “My parents crashed their yacht the third day they owned it, but when I fell overboard my daddy jumped right in after me even though he knew I could swim” and he has “I was so drunk at my high school prom that I threw up on my date, and I had to send her an apology diamond bracelet the next day. My older brother Eric taught me his hangover remedy” and he has “Okay, so mama’s plastic surgery went badly, and she couldn’t really sing at my eighth birthday, but she hummed with the best of them.” Still, if they’re poison for Goodnight then okay he never needs to meet them. Now he hates their collective guts.

Finally, one chilly October night when the show has been running for about three months it all comes to a head. Goodnight shakes Billy awake and says “Get up, sweetheart. We’re going for a drive.”

And oh thank god. Goodnight has done this once before. Back when Billy’s grandmother died, and they didn’t have enough money for plane tickets back. Billy had been a mess, and one night Goodnight woke them up, got them into the car and they drove out into the country and went camping for a few weeks. They cooked over the fire, and swam in the lake. They dried off in the fresh grass and counted the stars. When they got bored with the counting they fucked with Billy’s back to the big dipper. It was really good for them, and Billy is so relieved that a new action is being taken that he could puke. They’ll recharge. Relax. Goodnight will sleep. They’ll really talk about how they should handle-wait…..this is the wrong direction.

Yeah, they’re not going camping.

They’re driving down the highway at an alarming speed, and based off what the GPS is kindly chirping at them they’re heading for Louisiana.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Goodnight says. “But I do have a plan.”

Oh, do tell Goodnight.

“I have written my family a nice long letter explaining that while I do not wish to emerge from my self-imposed exile, it is my duty to inform them that they’ve let a proverbial fox into the hen house. I may not know who he is, but that man calling himself Everett is not in fact their brother and son. I’m going to tie it to the front gate, and then we’ll be on our way.”

This plan is so bad that it knocks Billy speechless. Once speech returns he attempts all of the following conversations over the course of their 17 hour drive;

“They won’t know who left them a letter. They’ll just throw it out! It’s a waste of time.”

“You said being with them was like slowly drinking poison. You’re just hurt, and you know you make bad decisions when you’re hurt!”

“So what if he’s a liar? This Everett is also your own personal crazy shield! Let him take all your family’s hits! Why do you care?”

None of this works. They just keep driving.  

So they’re at the gate to the Robicheaux plantation (And of course it’s a plantation. What else did Billy think it was going to be? This trip sucks), and okay Billy can’t see any dogs or bees or dogs with bees in their mouths, but it is a very nice gate that is very securely locked. If he peers through the bars he can make out the house which is smaller than Billy thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t HUGE in comparison to their apartment.  It’s also really fucking old, and really fucking beautiful with this big wrap around porch, a long walk-way lined by huge thick oaks and white columns, and Billy hates it so much. He wants to do nothing but get back in the car, and drive as far from it as they can get.

But Goody’s parked them along-side the road, and he’s marching right over to the gate, and damn it you know there’s an elite security system set up that probably has cameras, and infrared tracking, and fingerprint matching capabilities, and there’s no way they walk away from this with their anonymity intact.

Billy is kind of frantic at this point so he throws all caution to the wind, and plays his last card. The one he’s kept close to the chest since this whole thing came to light and rippled through their lives. The one he really, really, _really_ didn’t want to toss onto the table because it feels like cheating to bring his own feelings into Goodnight’s family crazy.

“They’ll laugh at me.”

This, finally, gets Goodnight to slow down because…what?

“If your family actually finds out where you are, like this, then they are eventually going to let people laugh at me. At us.”

Now it’s Goodnight’s turn to be speechless because…what?

“My family would not laugh at you.”

“Maybe not, but they’ll drag us into the spotlight with them, and then invite other people to laugh at us. I’m sorry, but nothing you’ve told me or that I’ve seen makes me think they’d try to do anything else. A fake Robicheaux, and a long lost son who comes back to warn everyone? They’re going to use that. You know they will, and maybe you’ll want to be involved because you’ll realize you miss them, and I won’t leave I swear. That’s not what I’m saying, but they’ll put our life and our relationship on stage like it’s a thing, and they’ll laugh at it. Like it’s nothing. Like it’s a joke. I like our life. It’s not a joke. If you want to contact your family again then you should do that, but not like this. Please not like this?”

And Goodnight kind of feels like he just stumbled out of a terrible fog, because all of the sudden in the warm dry air of his childhood state he realizes just how far he’d been about to push all of this. He doesn’t actually want an explosion which is exactly what this letter would cause (Dear god what if TMZ got it before any actual family member? What if a family member leaked it to TMZ? Eric would 100% do that). There are casualties and shrapnel after an explosion. What was he thinking? Damn it! That was why he’d left so many years ago because being around his family had him going from 1 to 11 at the speed of light, and making terrible decisions.  

Goodnight shoves the letter into his coat pocket (An anonymous letter? Like a real one? He’s surprised he didn’t seal it with red wax, and stamp it with an insignia ring. Good god. This had been a terrible plan), and walks back to the car feet crunching through the gravel.

“Our life isn’t a joke, and I would never let someone turn it into one. No matter who they are. I’m sorry, _cher_. I lost my head.”

And he reaches out, and he takes Billy by the hand, and nods toward the car because you know what? Fuck all of this. They’re going home or at least to a Waffle House.

This is of course when the flood lights come on, and…yep okay. There are those dogs I’ve been talking about. And that is definitely a security guard. They’ve been caught.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ….I'm going to be honest looking back on this I'm not sure all the Arrested Development quotes fully fit with the actions happening in each chapter.....


	4. You’re Playing With Fire

"So the next time you want have a little power struggle, just know that you’re playing with fire” -Lucille Bluth, _Arrested Development_

 

 

The ‘dogs’ they’re both so worried about turn out to be just one dog, a cream colored pit-bull with drooping ears and a tail that’s wagging so fast his entire body is shaking, and the ‘security guards’ are really just one guard who Goodnight can’t make out because the flashlight they’re holding is right in his eyes.  

“Who the hell is at my front gate! Do you know fucking time it is?”

Billy kind of winces at this because he knows that voice, but actually hearing it say the word ‘fucking’ without it being bleeped out is so weird that it throws him for a second.

The gates open, the flashlight comes down, and there’s suddenly a very friendly dog lapping at their hands and sniffing at Billy’s beat up gym shoes.

All the hairs on Goodnight’s neck are up, but not because of the dog. He didn’t need to see the guard to know who it was. His heart froze the moment he heard the voice. He’s just torn between running for the car or crying because no matter how many defenses you put up there are always going to be things that can rip them all to shreds in a moment. For Goodnight one of those things is his mother’s voice.

Because there she is, wrapped in a red silk robe with matching slippers in the middle of the gravel road.

Abigale Robicheaux looks pretty good for a woman in her late fifties. (This is what buckets of money, honest to god health care and leisure time can do for you!) Okays sure she’s had a few nips and tucks along the way, but “God didn’t make plastic surgeons so they could starve!”  She’s a short, curvy woman with hair so dark black that there’s no way it isn’t dyed, cut short into a bob that frames her long face beautifully. Her eyes are bright, on a clear day you can see forever blue, and she’s angry which means they currently look so sharp that they could cut glass. Billy saw Goody’s eyes do that last Halloween when a drunk twenty something called Billy a word that we will not repeat here. It didn’t end well for the drunk twenty something.  

Goodnight breaks immediately. He just starts babbling.

“Mama! Mama, it’s me! _I’m_ Everett! I’m your son! When I was four you read me _Corduroy_ five times before I’d sleep. When I was 16 you were the one who drove me to rehab that first time, and every week you sent me a new book. You sent me books that you’d read and written in the margins of, and when I got back the only thing that kept me on the wagon was talking about all those books! Me and Earl got into a fist fight in 1993 when you took us to France, and I flipped him right into the Seine!  And my damn birthday is March 3rd! I’m a god damn _Pisces!_ That tooth-whitening swamp rat is not me!”

The cut glass anger in Mama Robicheaux’s eyes has washed right out, but…now that he thinks about it Billy noticed that that particular look was gone the minute she got a clear look at Goodnight. And then she’s hugging him, and god her perfume is the same perfume she’s worn since Goody was a little boy, and-

“Oh baby,” she says. “I know.”

The sitting room is the same shape, the same size, the same overall make and model that it was when Goodnight was a little boy playing soldier in them (And then a pre-teen sneaking vodka, and then a teen throwing up in the ice bucket, and then a 20 something planning his flight…..). But it’s been redecorated. It’s dark red now instead of pale blue. The furniture has been rearranged and replaced with cushy black leather and gleaming dark wood. Even the books are different, and the whole thing makes Goodnight feel disoriented. Like he’s been flipped upside down and shaken.  

His mother serves them coffee from a silver coffee pot he knows is older than the latest three generations of his family, and she drops exactly three and a half sugars into his cup (Shut up Sam it’s not a pretentions coffee order even though it 100% is!) before handing it over. The dog is happily rolling around on his back on a rug so soft their shoes sank into it, and Billy is wound so tightly that Goodnight is afraid he’s going to snap the handle of his cup right off.

His mother, meanwhile, is just fucking glowing from her spot across the coffee table. An honest to god butler that Goody, thank god, doesn’t recognize comes in with a plate of still warm chocolate chip cookies on a tray that matches the coffee pot. Mama Robicheaux looks so happy, so delighted and so very, very…….. _smug_.

…what?

She retrieves a flask from between the couch cushions, and adds a generous splash of bourbon into her own cup. She offers it to Billy (Who declines), but before Goodnight can raise a hand to explain that he’s been sober for years and years now, and no he will not be imbibing she’s twisting the cap back on and stuffing it back into the cushions, and still fucking _beaming_ at him.

“Sugar, don’t look so nervous! I have no interest in destroying your hard earned sobriety. Twelve years without so much as a nip!  Pineapples, I am very proud of you!”

Goodnight turns are red as a bloody sunset, and Billy is side eyeing him so hard right now because he might have told Billy every story about his life as a rich, blue-blooded Robicheaux, but yes he left out the part where his mother’s pet name for him is ‘Pineapples.’

“To be frank I’m not sure what to be more proud of you for! The sobriety or sustaining a successful marriage with this very handsome fellow for 15 years. Your siblings have all been married so many times between them that I’ve completely giving up on remembering any new names. I should invest in name tags! Now is it Billy or Robert? Or something else all-together? Don’t be shy, honey. Speak right up! I may be old, but I can fit these lips around even the most complex of pronunciations!”

Billy has…no idea how to respond. Yeah, yeah he’s got a general idea about how you’re supposed to act around your in-laws, but Billy’s never been great with rules, and to be frank none of the possible scenarios he ever walked through involved midnight coffee with a woman in a red silk robe.

Goody’s pretty sure there are no cliffs on the property, but if there were it would be a tie between Billy and Goodnight to see who would want to fling themselves off it first because….again…wait…what again? What is _happening_? How does she know about the drinking? How does she know about Billy? Why is she not calling the police or screaming or throwing glasses against the wall or calling him a liar or demanding a blood test or….whatever? The only way she could know about any of that is if she……wait. Something is starting to crystalize in Goodnight’s mind.

Something about multiple marriages, and multiple affairs, and illegitimate children that are usually quietly paid off and sent away with the understanding that just because they look like a Robicheaux doesn’t mean they get to use the name, and specifically, SPECIFICALLY Goodnight is remembering something very, very important. He is remembering that his mother is a god damn tactical genius. That she is the hunter in the family. The patient one. The one who set the best traps. The matador in a family full of angry, spoiled bulls who are so busy stomping through multimillion dollar china shops that they never notice when they go running directly at a purposely situated red cape.

“Have a cookie, Pineapples. I’ve been having them specially made every night for the last three months. They’re your favorite! ”

Oh fuck. They are. Oh _fuck_. He played himself.  


	5. Vodka Rocks And A Piece of Toast

"Get me a vodka rocks."

"Mom it's breakfast."

"And a piece of toast."

-Lucille and Michael Bluth, _Arrested Development_

 

“So….Pineapples, huh?”

They end up spending the night. Billy wouldn’t really trust either of them to drive, and Mama Robicheaux did this thing where she put her hand over her heart, and her eyes got all big, and dewy when Billy even mentioned it, and before he knew it they were being handed extra pajamas and led to the third floor where the “music and guest rooms are.” (The entire second floor is a ballroom which…Billy does not have the energy to process right now so he’s not going to).  

The bed is too soft. Billy feels like he’s lying on a marshmallow, and he knows this is going to be hell on his back, and god they haven’t even been gone a full 24 hours and Billy misses their life with its rock hard mattress already.

“I am clearly asleep, and cannot talk about this.”

Goodnight has his hand thrown over his eyes, and cookie crumbs in his mustache (He shoved about five of those things into his mouth downstairs), and Billy finds this far too endearing considering that this is their last night with their privacy intact.

“That’s okay. I can just guess…out loud…and since you’re asleep you won’t be able to argue with me.”  

The wall in front of them is almost entirely taken up by a flat screen television, and Billy finds that this juxtaposed with the rest of the room’s old time decor to be kind of off putting. Modern day technology pressed against wallpaper that probably dates back to the Civil War (Or whatever the hell Goody called it that one time which made Sam laugh so hard he almost snorted out his morning coffee). It’s also kind of funny because of course there’s a television in here, and isn’t that the source of all their issues these days. Who would dream of not having a television in their bedroom?

"...Billy?”

They have one. Everyone he knows has at least one TV somewhere. How else are you supposed to relax while watching other people toss wine into one another’s faces or throw ridiculous parties or put your husband into situations that could have him making alcohol his best friend again which would mean a swift demotion for you because god damn it _you’re_ his best friend, but you can’t win against an addiction! How long until a regular marriage buckles under the pressure of absolute chaotic crazy? How many times did she say those siblings of his had remarried again?

“ _Cher_? _Cher_ you okay?”

Billy had a hard enough time trying to figure out how to help Goodnight when his family was akin to a closet dwelling boogeyman, and for fuck’s sake who has this problem? Who’s he supposed to go to for advice on reality TV drama, and people who have ballrooms instead of second floors? Who still needs a ballroom? What do they use it for? Was Goodnight supposed to marry some southern bell or gent after finding an abandoned shoe at a real god damn ball?! Billy does not know how to dance, and he will not learn to waltz! He will not! This whole thing is fucking hilarious once he backs up and looks at the forest through the trees. It’s so funny he just might cry or break something or throw up, and…..hey is anyone else suddenly very short of breath? Because Billy is suddenly very short of breath.

“Jesus, Bill! If it means that much to you she calls me Pineapples because that’s what everyone thought I looked like when I was a baby! God damn it! Put your head between your legs and breath! Breath sugar. Breath!!”

They don’t really get a lot of sleep after that. In fact, once Billy’s panic attack runs its course (“Yes, we used the ballroom for actual balls, but I don’t care that you don’t know how to dance because I don’t know how to dance!”), and Goodnight has his (“How many of people were in on this? How far does this rabbit hole go?! Were members of congress called in on this? Those people should be voting to keep net neutrality around, and they’re wasting time hunting me down!?”) they come up with a battle plan for the next morning. They won’t go down without a fight. Abigale may have played him like a finely tuned fiddle, but now that he can see all the pieces on the board Goodnight thinks they’ve got a fighting chance! (They don’t, but he’s super cute when he’s all riled up)

There’s French Toast for breakfast. There’s also quiche for breakfast, and pancakes, and bagels and fruit and hard boiled eggs in little brass egg cups. Billy sometimes cracks raw eggs into a glass to drink before workouts (It doesn’t really make a different in getting the protein into your body, but it always makes him feel like Rocky, and it grosses Red out so a win overall), but past that he’s not a big breakfast guy.

Neither is Goodnight, but from the way Abigale greets him from her seat at the head of the table he gets that this isn’t optional. Especially after she stands up to hug him (She hugged him last night too, and it was so awkward. Why are you squeezing me with your body?)

“I don’t know what your morning routine looks like so I just had the chef make a little bit of everything. Billy, may I call you Billy? (Yes, of course she can fucking call him Billy. What else is she going to call him!? Peaches? Oh god, what if she starts calling him Peaches?) Do you have any special dietary restrictions or requests that I can let the cook know about before lunch time?”

Billy is really, REALLY thinking about making some shit up or naming his favorite Korean dishes just to see how far this can be pushed. He still feels off balance and vulnerable, and he does not like feeling off balance and vulnerable, and his response to those emotions are to start hitting back in any way he can. Causing small inconveniences might make him feel better….but he doesn’t because he is not a child and this is his mother-in-law. It’s so weird how happy she gets when she looks at him. Goodnight sure, but he’s her son. Billy has done absolutely nothing to inspire that kind of emotion in a virtual stranger. He suddenly misses Emma. She’s also terrible with nice people.

The plan they’d drawn up the night before had the two of them going through the motions of breakfast, and not laying down the law before everyone had a full stomach. Everyone was usually in a better mood after food. Goodnight will start off, and explain that while he does want to keep visiting her it has to be on his terms, and he will have no connection to the show. Billy will back him up, and maybe suggest they start off by seeing them this Christmas. It will all be very civilized, and as Billy gently taps his spoon against his hard-boiled egg (That’s what you’re supposed to do with eggs in egg cups right?) he can’t help but feel really proud of himself. They’re going to handle this like champs. Or like Olympic Gold Medalists. The ones that don’t cheat at ice skating or women’s swimming.  

Which is right when Abigail says, “I was thinking about inviting the whole clan over for dinner tonight. We can have pork chops.”

And Goodnight responds by slamming his coffee cup onto the table (It splashes all over the crisp linen table cloth, and Billy swears he hears the butler sigh behind him), and shouting, “No! Absolutely not!  I will not let you destroy my life!”

Which makes her slam her coffee cup onto the table in response and yell,“Oh Everett! Why must you constantly think the worst of everyone in this family!?”

….You know what? It wasn’t that good of a plan anyway. Really, Billy kind of hated it. Specifically the part where he was going to have to talk.  

“Is that a real question!?”

“It most certainly is! What was so horrible about your life that you had to go running and hiding from us for _20 god damn years_?”

“I was drowning in this family!”

“Drowning in love you mean!”

“Lies, mama. Drowning in lies. And no small amount of red wine.”

“Oh every family has their secrets! We aren’t special, and those vices are ones you walked very happily over to all on your own.”

“You can’t possibly think other families are like ours! The amount of cocaine alone didn’t tip you off!!?”

“I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it!”

Somehow during all of this the butler has righted and refilled both coffee cups, and now he’s looking expectantly at Billy who quickly shakes his head, and waves him off. The fact that Goodnight paid no attention to this little dance, he just reached down and picked up his newly filled coffee cup to take a long sip without so much as blinking makes something in Billy’s stomach twist.

“Mama,” and now Goodnight just sounds tired. Like all the fire has just turned to ash in his mouth. “I can’t do this again. We have had this argument so many times, and we never come out the other end with an agreement. So just tell me what I’m doing here. Why’d you lure me home? What is it that you want?”  

Something inside Abigail Robicheaux seems to snap, because there are the cut glass blue eyes again, and she takes a sip out of her own refilled cup before she answers.

“I lured you home because I missed you, and I was worried about you. Because I am your mother, and I wanted know if you were doing okay before I die someday. I’m not going to be here forever!”

And now she’s leaning across the table, pulling her glasses down the front of her nose and pointing very, very emphatically at the both of them. “And as to what I want? I want Christmas, Thanksgiving, one week- long visit in the summer, and a vow renewal.”

“No mama,” Goody says. “No. I will not go on that terrible show. Not for Christmas, not for Thanksgiving and not for anything else. I’m a not show horse that you can prance around whenever you need a ratings boost.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Pineapples! Of course I know that. I don’t want you on the show. That’d be a terrible idea. That’s why we promoted Brian.”

From the spot where he decided to rest against the wall the butler honest to god _winks_ at Billy, and it might be silent out here, but he swears he can see a maid peeking into the room from around the corner. How long has the staff been enjoying the Robicheaux reality show? Probably, for so much longer than the rest of America has.

Goodnight looks moments away from throwing the crystal dish holding coffee cake against the wall.

“Who the fuck is Brian!?”

“Fake Everett. Who else? He’s one of your daddy’s little…well god doesn’t make mistakes so one of your daddy’s little surprises with one of the waitresses from that Waffle House on 88. I was thinking about using one of mine, but he looks the part better. He has the eyes along with the destructive temperament.”

“What?”

“When that lovely private detective came back with all of information about your life the network deemed you to be too boring to bother with. No offense, honey.”

(Billy 100% does not start thinking about the first five years they were together because if they can’t tell his parents about it then they definitely shouldn’t tell Goody’s mom.)

“You’d be helpful for an initial ratings boost, but after that?  Unless one of us wanted to pretend to be homophobic, and no one did, then there was really no point in bringing you in. And honestly, you’d done such a good job putting your new life together that your daddy and I deemed you off limits. Despite what you may believe I have never enjoyed the suffering your addictions brought you. Then I really thought about it, and figured this was a way to kill two birds with one stone. Brian was making a little bit of unsavory noise about his lot in life, and you are stubborn as a mule. If it wasn’t your idea you’d never come home. So I gave you the tiniest of pushes. I promoted Brian as a cover which shut him up, you came home all by yourself, and now everyone’s happy.”

Goodnight does not want a drink, but he does want to go back to bed.

“Next season we spill the beans on his mama being a waitress, and not me!” She said, gleefully. “I can’t wait! I’ve been practicing the perfect faint for the occasion.”

“This is identity theft,” Goodnight argues weakly.

“Oh it is not! Don’t be so selfish. And back to what I want? I want regular visitation! I want to see my son, and get to know my new son-in-law. We can go hunting, or skiing or sky diving or finally find that fight club your daddy’s always talking about, and we can do it together! So to review, I want Christmas, Thanksgiving, one week- long visit in the summer, and a vow renewal. As I was not invited to the original event a vow renewal only seems fair. Doesn’t that sound _fair_? I think it sounds very fair. What do you think Billy?”

Billy had been taking this time to finally try a slice of the quiche, and was not prepared for direct questions so his fork scrapes right across the surface of the plate which makes everyone at the table wince.

“I….”

Goodnight kicks him hard under the table which…okay that’s supposed to mean what at this point, Goody? Use your words!!!

“We’ll invite your parents too, Billy! I think that that would be perfect. How about a ball! Wouldn’t a Christmas ball be nice?”

Billy makes a weird strangled sound, and looks to Goodnight who’s staring at his mother in opened mouthed shock, and just when Billy thinks this whole thing might be taking a turn for the worst he hears the front door slam open followed by the sound of multiple feet, and then a ton of people pour into the room. The charge being led by one of the tallest, blondest human beings Billy’s ever seen, who is of course Goodnight’s father.

“Abigail, we took a vote outside and unanimously agreed that waiting is bullshit, and no one wanted pork chops anyway. Everett Arthur Robicheaux, get the fuck over here and give your family a hug.”


	6. I’m Afraid I Just Blue Myself

"I'm afraid I just blue myself" Tobias Funke, _Arrested Development_

 

 

“I promise I did not drag you into this bathroom to engage in any kind of sexual activity.”

Yeah, ok. Billy didn’t think that was going to happen, like at all, but Goody is doing his ‘kind of freaking out, confirming things aloud, the whites of my eyes are starting to show, I’m three seconds away from a panic attack’ dance, and look Billy would let him do so many other ridiculous things if it would help keep him calm at this point in the night.

That’s when he hears the first gun shot, and Billy hits the floor of the bathroom so fast he sort of squeaks because this is like a solid marble floor, and god damn it his knees aren’t what they were, and do not give me that look Goodnight I am not adorable!!

“I promise I did not fall to my knees in this bathroom to engage in any kind of sexual activity.” Billy responds, dry as dust. "Was that a gun shot?”

It is one of several gun shots, and yeah wow every single Robicheaux with the exception of the one here is so drunk he’s shocked they’re all standing let alone managing firearms. Billy is suddenly so thankful that this room has no windows.

“Get down here with me! Your crazy family is shooting guns!”

“At clay pigeons not each other I think. This was how we used to end our Easter celebration,” Goodnight says grimly, but he flops down next to him. “Cousin Pat lost an eye one year.”

Billy is like…floored by this announcement. They own a gun (And a bunch of knives). Sam owns a gun. Emma owns a gun (and a bunch of bear traps, but like they live in Nebraska which isn’t really known for bears….maybe they should have Emma over when they get back. What is up with that women?), and goes hunting with Red and Horne on the regular. Just about everyone they know has a gun. And not a one of them would shoot it while drunk off their ass, and surrounded by people (….maybe Faraday… and sometimes when he hangs out with Faraday Vasquez’s common sense takes a hit so……look not Billy. Billy would never do that. He is a responsible gun owner).

Here’s the thing. It’s not that Billy thought Goodnight was lying about his crazy family, but, and he feels really terrible about this, he was starting to wonder as he was hugged by cousin and sibling, after cousin and sibling (god so uncomfortable), and slapped on the back, and handed plate of food, after plate of food, and asked about his home country with absolutely no one asking what part of China or Japan or any other country that wasn’t South Korea he’s from, that Billy had started to wonder if maybe…..just maybe…..a lot of the crazy was just for the TV, and Goody was remembering everyone through alcohol tinted glasses. Maybe they were all just dramatic….like Goody. 

(Goodnight once declared the 2017 movie _It_ to be an absolute tragedy forced upon the citizens of the world, and that if there was any artistic justice all copies would spontaneously burst into flames. Billy loved it, but wanted more clown. Not the point. It’s just that Goodnight has opinions and then loudly declares them, and is down to brawl if you disagree with how many bananas should be used to bake the perfect banana bread. Maybe a whole family of people like that is insufferable)

Then the night took a turn…and continued to turn, and then completely spun the fuck out in a tornado of alcohol, drugs and bad decisions. The kinds that would make even the members of your average Midwest American fraternity go “Okay, maybe we should all just take a moment here.” 

Listen, Billy’s got no judgement on alcohol or drugs. If Goodnight wasn’t so on the wagon he was practically driving it, Billy would smoke so much pot. He would buy it from Emma who he thinks is growing it in that basement of hers (He is correct, and half the town they live in is buying it from her). He’d even look up that hash brownie recipe Alice B. Toklas apparently jotted down in that cookbook of hers that Goodnight talks about. (It would be romantic. It’s never going to happen, but it would be). He has the occasional drink with Vasquez and Red, and it’s not a big thing. It’s just that for Billy it’s always a pleasant, recreational thing he can pick up, and put down at will. That is not what it is for Goody.

And wow the Robicheauxs are really, really messy drunk right now, and he’s pretty sure the woman in the emerald decorated ballet flats was Evangeline which means there’s a lot of cocaine here (What is this 1985? Side note, god he hopes the DVR remembered to record _Pose_. He’s really looking forward to that). 

People get drunk. That happens. Sam spent an entire weekend hungover in their bathtub once. But there’s drunk and there’s stupid, bad decisions, old enough to know better, I’m a giant jackass drunk. They’ve reached the second one with about 25 people, and yeah they should go home. Now.

Which would be a solid plan if there weren’t 25 glassy-eyed sharp shooters outside. Maybe they _should_ engage in some kind of sexual activity. Because they are going to be stuck in this bathroom for the foreseeable future. 

And Billy’s honest to god about to like, waggle his eyebrows and suggest it because that could be fun, when the door burst open, and there stands Brian, aka Fake Everett. He’s also drunk as a skunk, but he takes one look at them, throws his arms open and burst into the biggest, stupidest grin.

“Like looking into a more attractive mirror, ain’t it!? Hi brother! Mind if I join you?”

Even if they did Brian wouldn’t care. Brian is really, _really_ enjoying being fake Everett. Brian’s never had so much fun in his life. Brian got to pet a TIGER last season, and he’s hoping this season he’ll get to hold a panda. Brian would do literally anything to keep this charade going, and he truly feels now is the time to tell real Everett that if he wants to stay in the shadows and do whatever it is that he does far, far away from Brian’s new tiger petting life that he fully, 100% supports him. 

This is a something Brian forgets between ducking under the sink, and then reappearing with a flask in his hand (This one was taped behind the door), but it’s the thought that counts.  

(Later…so much later, like next Christmas when Goodnight stupidly thinks that brining a pose will somehow make his family easier to handle he will understand that Brian is basically Faraday with money. But that’s a different story.)

His half-brother/imposter lies on the marble floor, taps Goodnight’s shoe and asks “Hey what do you think about me getting a Billy? Not like in a weird way, but I could get a boyfriend!” He’s like an excited puppy with a brand new bone. “Billy! You could help me cast him! We’ll get someone cool!” He’s like patting the part of Billy’s leg that he can reach, and Billy decides now is a good time to move that leg even farther away. “Like you! Someone really, really cool. Because you are SO COOL!”

Billy’s not sure if he should be flattered, worried, insulted or angry at any of this. He is really glad there aren’t windows here because he’d be tempted to throw Brian right out of one of them. Goodnight’s got his fists balled up, and a gleam in his eye that says he’s thinking about starting a fight, and wow this is going to be a long night.

Spoiler alert…it is. But only because Brian passes out moments later with his face on Goodnight’s shoe. He snores. 

They sneak out early the next morning while everyone else is sleeping off the hangover. They get caught right in front of the car by Goodnight’s mother who is wearing the most ostentatious pair of sunglasses they’ve ever seen, and holding a vodka rocks. She forces everyone to exchange numbers, hug, and threatens bodily harm if they don’t stay in touch. 

“Don’t worry, Billy! I’ll make sure your mama knows all about the Christmas arrangements. Does she like diamonds? You know what, it doesn’t matter. All women like diamonds. Don’t you worry about a thing! And Pineapples, don’t you think I won’t roll into that town shouting your name out my limousine window with a bull horn if you try to wiggle out it. God I love you both so much! Have a safe trip!”

They drive home in silence. Absolute silence. 

The minute they get home Goodnight unplugs the TV, takes it downstairs and puts it in the trash. 

(Billy takes it right back out. He’s not not watching _Pose_ because Goodnight’s family is insane. Besides, he has to make sure his doppelganger is as cool as Brian promised he’d be.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick thing, if you need me to actually tell you that....almost all of the stuff the Robicheaux’s get up to is a monumentally bad ideas then you are already beyond my help. Just do the opposite of about 90-92% of what they do, and you'll probably get into the Good Place.


	7. The Christmas Ball: Part 1 (I Just Want My Kids Back)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These last two parts came into being because Tumblr user lazaefair requested to know what would happened at the aforementioned Christmas Ball. 
> 
> Thank you to Tumblr user villa-kulla for the advice about South Korean names. All mistakes on that front are mine, as well as any other fucks ups that might have happened in this chapter or the fic as a whole. All fucks ups are my fuck ups.

"I just want my kids back." - _Arrested Development_

 

 

The first week in October, Abigail Robicheaux calls to let them know the details of the Christmas Ball. The date of which is…well Christmas…..well Christmas Eve with the understanding that it’ll bleed right into Christmas so long as the liquor and food holds out, and trust me the liquor and food ALWAYS holds out, and “Lord, Pineapples! When did you think we were going to throw it? Arbor Day?”

Goodnight wastes no time trying to wiggle out if it. You see he couldn’t possibly leave his chosen family alone on Christmas! What will he tell Emma, Sam, Horne, Faraday, Vasquez and Red Harvest? Thanks for all the love and support through the years of hardship, but I got invited to a better shindig? Enjoy your fruit cake and see you suckers? Oh no. He just couldn’t. Not Everett Goodnight Robicheaux. No sir!”

(Billy listens to this whole thing while peering over the edge if his iPad where he is 100% not looking through the file of headshots for possible “Billys” that Brian sent him.)

And Abigail goes “Why of course you can’t abandon your friends! It’s Christmas! You were raised better than that!” (He wasn’t.) “You just give me their names, and addresses and all your friends can come!”

But Goody is ready for her this time, because Goodnight is 100% her child, and crafty as a fox (How else do you think his stupid if beloved town has such a well-funded, and stocked library? A 3D printer and inter-library loan! In this economy! Those idiots don’t know what they have, and the next person who tries to tell him Amazon should be in charge of information distribution is getting punched in the teeth.)

“Mama, I will not ask my friends to attend a party being held at our historic plantation home! Next you’ll be telling me the theme this year is _Gone With The Wind_!”

(Goody is currently picturing the “Are you out of your fucking mind?” look that Sam would definitely give him if he got an invite to this)

“Oh Goodnight! Why must you always believe your kin is so out of touch and insensitive! It is most certainly not _Gone With The Wind_!” (It was) “And I’ll have you know that it is being held at the Red Lion!”

(The Annual Robicheaux Christmas Ball has been held in the historic Robicheaux plantation since the home was built in 1795. It’s burnt down 7 separate times, the fifth time the day before Christmas Eve, and they still just waltzed through the ashes. Until this phone call there was no power on this Earth that could have gotten it relocated. Trust me. People have tried.)

“Kisses, Pineapples! Tell my favorite son-in-law I miss him!”

So to review, this is definitely happening, and they are most definitely going.

Three **Very Important** things happen between this phone call and the Christmas Ball:

  1. Fake “Billy” is cast (He enjoys polar bears, vodka and dubstep. Dislikes climate change, frost bite and Leonardo DiCaprio….but more on that later)
  2. Redacted
  3. Billy’s Mom, Ga-eul, gets an Instagram account.



It’s not that it’s weird for Billy’s Mom to be on social media, but she mostly uses it to post videos of her grandchildren.

What’s weird is that her first post is a selfie (Billy’s Mom doesn’t approve of selfies), with a white woman who is saluting the camera with a flask (Billy’s Mom doesn’t approve of alcohol,) who is wearing the biggest pair of diamond encrusted Gucci sunglasses Billy has ever seen (Billy’s Mom doesn’t approve if diamond encrusted Gucci sunglasses….probably).

Goodnight comes home to find Billy’s phone shoved right into his face.

“What is _your_ mom doing with _my_ mom!!?”

(Hours later a text from his sister Seo-Won pops up that just says: “Heard you bagged a rich husband. Proud of you. ;)”  ) Billy almost flies back to Busan to strangle her).

The day after that his mom posts a picture of Billy’s dad, Tae-ho, and Goodnight’s insanely tall, insanely blonde father in SCUBA gear swimming with what appears to be a white-tip reef shark, and no really what the fuck is _happening_?

Now its Billy’s turn to shake Goody awake in the middle of the night, and wave his phone in front of his face demanding answers for whatever crazy thing their joint family seems to be getting up to 6,000 miles away.

“My parents don’t even speak English! What witchcraft is this!?” 

“ _Cher_ , you have got to go to bed.”

(It’s called hiring a translator. His name is Noah. He’s nice.)

Billy keeps waiting for the paparazzi to swoop down on his very unsuspecting parents, but they don’t because if Billy paid any attention to celebrity gossip he’d know that Arthur (bad boy with a heart of coal) got caught cheating on his (fourth) wife with his (37th mistress) via crashing his Aston Martin (the James Bond one with all the gadgets) into Evangeline’s townhouse, and there’s a full seven minute video of the two siblings bare knuckle boxing one another in her fountain. (No staff were harmed in the making of this scandal). 

So they’re occupied.

*****

By some fucking miracle everyone actually makes it to the Christmas Ball, now being held at the historic Red Lion Hotel.  

The theme ~~was changed to~~ is the Roaring Twenties, and hand to god Goodnight almost considers all this ridiculous opulence and family drama worth it to see Billy in a well-cut black and white pinstriped suit plus fedora because Jesus take the wheel, the radio, the turn signal and the anti-lock brakes Billy looks STUNNING!

("Yes, Vasquez. You look nice too.")

To be fair, everyone looks damn good all dressed to the historic nines. (Well, Emma looks a combination of good and terrifying in her own pinstriped suit. Like she’s three seconds away from yelling “Everyone get down on the ground!”, and robbing them. Red has spotted no less than four, wait no _five,_ members of Congress here that he can’t wait to make VERY uncomfortable, and he’s 100% bringing her with him when he does it. (Did you think Red came to this disaster for the food?))

Vasquez and Horne are so excited to be here that Sam is privately wondering if security is going to appear from around a corner, and tell them to stop. taking. selfies. (Red is mortified from afar, and really questioning his taste in friends).

Faraday has been drunk since the plane, is currently getting even drunker on top shelf whiskey (ladled out of a low shelf bathtub), and is reeeaallly enjoying Evangeline (who is wearing so many large diamonds tied to the end of her flapper costume she clinks when she moves) who is draping herself all over him. Faraday is taking to all of this like a duck to water. Faraday fits in with the group of affluent assholes surrounding the bar in a way that Goody never could even when he was an alcoholic disaster.

This is something that would probably make Goodnight spiral into some form of self-loathing….I mean if he was paying any attention to this. He and Billy are currently playing the worst game of “talk old time 20s gangster to me” that anyone has ever heard. (Look, no one’s taking home an Oscar here, but you don’t have to be good at the “role” part of “role play” so long as it gets you to the “play” part on time).

(“You look like a man who can find a hidden passage.”

“Why thank you, _Cher_. My you do cut a stunning figure. Would you like to see them sometime? Those secret passages. That we use for alcohol running and other nefarious activities? America has no alcohol right now. As it’s the 1920s.”

“Yes, I picked that up from your hat. That it’s the 1920s. In America. Because there’s no alcohol.”

“By that wink, I can see you understand what I’m about-.”

(Red. From afar. Mortified. Why are his friends so embarrassing!? God take an improve class, please!)

This is right when the lights go out. The congressmen freak, the affluent drunks freak, most of the Nebraska group freaks, the Robicheaux siblings freak, and Sam is wondering why they put so much ice in his drink. (“A drink don’t need more than three cubes. That’s common knowledge.”)

Slowly, from out of the pitch dark the two lanterns bookending the giant wooden double doors begin to brighten drawing everyone’s eye. Then the door is kicked open alongside a loud, joyous “whoop!!!” And suddenly there are Abigail and Hank Robicheaux, dressed to the nines, carrying matching tommy guns (they’re real, but probably not loaded. Probably. I warned you. They’re arguably the worst people in the world), and flanked by Billy’s entire family. 

Like _entire_ family. Like he thinks that’s his oldest cousin that he hasn’t seen since he was 18 (He hopes not. He hates him). 

What the _what_ now!?

“They said just my parents! That’s all they said they’d invite! Goody, they just said my _parents_!!!”

(His aunts are here. All the ajummas are here. He has to get out of here before one of them sees his tattoo. His sister is smirking at him. Smirking!!! Where’s his brother, Seo-Jun? He’s so much nicer! He wants his older brother to get over here right now, and preferably bring his nieces who think wild Uncle Billy is the _coolest_.)

Goody is trying to survive his whiplash, comfortingly pat Billy on the back and look for an escape route all at the same time. (He wasn’t actually kidding when he brought up secret passages. The Red Lion has _history_ …, and that history involves secret passages. (If you bring the Red Lion up at an academic conference you can start a full-fledged war by asking what everyone thinks the secret passages were actually used for. Bring popcorn.)

Billy spots his parents then, and his mom looks so happy to see him it almost calms him down because “Hi Umma!! I missed you too!”

(Billy’s mom looks _amazing_ in an bright blue flapper dress dusted in gold, and paired with a headband that has a very, VERY large emerald in the center and….wait how did anyone talk her into that dress? His mom is not overly large emerald in the hat kind of woman! Billy’s mom, by the way, has been having a _blast_! Her son-in-law is really nice, but he’s so dramatic. The last time they Skyped he spoke about his parents like they were hurricanes to be braced for. That is not what her experience with her in-laws has been. Okay, they’re a little loud, but other than that she likes them.)

There’s no speech that explains this new gaggle if flappers, gangsters and….suffragettes? Is that what that outfit is? Isn’t that…not historically accurate? (Ok she has a “Votes For Women Sign”. That’s a gaggle of his cousins dressed as American suffragettes. Which Billy thinks is off the mark, but whatever.)

I mean there will be a speech, but in like an hour when everyone is drunk, high or otherwise occupied. (Billy’s ridiculous oldest cousin is eyeing the poker tables that have been set up in the back, and yeah. Okay. Billy knows where that idiot will be all night. They’ve got their very own gambling addict over there, but oh no _he’s_ the black sheep of the family. Sure.) The paparazzi isn’t allowed at this event so who cares about saying anything impressive, and even if someone did comment about this addition to the guest list no one would remember it. 

Because marching in at the tail end of this parade of guests is Brian with a South Korean dude Billy’s never seen, holding a leash that has an honest to god polar bear chilling out at the end of it.

Brian is truly living his best life.


	8. The Christmas Ball: Part 2 (Coward? I'm Not A Coward)

"Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant it just makes me want to set myself on fire!" Lucille Bluth, _Arrested Development_

 

 

“I feel it’s important to clarify that this is not cowardice. It’s a strategic retreat.”

Goodnight announces this from where both he and Billy are hiding under the snack table which is where they both dove for cover once an honest to god polar bear walked onto the scene (Goodnight clearly remembers the Great Lion Taming Disaster of 1994, and he will not stay and watch someone get their face eaten off. Not again.)

Billy is in complete agreement even if he doesn’t say so because he’s too busy shoving crab cakes into his mouth (Billy is an emotional eater.) But he does nod. Which is fine because Goodnight is suffering under mild hysteria, and would have continued planning their escape even if Billy had been against the whole thing.

“What we do, is we make for the kitchen. From there, we’ll have to knock out two waiters, steal their outfits, and-AHHHHH!!!!!!!! …I mean…hi mama!”

Because there’s Abigail Robicheaux, peering under the drop cloth, grinning, and drinking a dry martini. Right next to her is Billy’s mom.

“Mama, what have you done?”

Goodnight was aiming for stern, but it all comes out really high pitched, and not at all dignified which is fitting right in with the overall tone of the evening.

“I have brought two families together. Reunited mother and son across a treacherous ocean. (They took a private jet over. It was really nice. Superb selection of in-flight movies.) I'm like a good will ambassador of friendship, and love between our countries (…sure).  The better question, Pineapples is what are you doing?”

Because Goodnight has no answer, and Billy’s brain is currently frozen on a loop of “Mom! Mom! Mom! Hi Mom! If anyone tells you I have a tattoo they are _lying_. It’s so nice to see you!” they have no defenses, and end up getting dragged out to join the festivities.  Which, at the moment, involves watching Horne get the polar bear to roll over, shake and accept belly rubs for spoonful’s of caviar (It’s $2,230 for every 35oz).

Brian is right there too, except he doesn’t seem to have any interest in the friendly bear he brought with. All of his attention is on his, rather sullen, guest.

Let’s back up. Remember Brian’s bucket list goal of holding a panda?  Great. Well, when Abigail Robicheaux went over to South Korea, Brian went with because pandas are from Asia ergo that’s where he figured he should go to accomplish his goal (It’s not that Brian doesn’t know that China isn’t South Korea or vice versa, it’s that Brian has clearly never seen an episode of _Animal Planet_ and seems to think that pandas are to the entire continent of Asia what squirrels are to North America. They’re just everywhere right? Wrong. I cannot stress how wrong that is. Read a goddamn _Zoobook_ , Brian). So while Goodnight’s parents were off wining, dinning and scuba diving with their in-laws, Brian high on life and about three other drugs got himself directed to Everland an amusement park housing, you guessed it, two pandas. (They’re on loan from China).

This is where Brian met *Ha-Joon who was there to apologize to the polar bears.

Things to know about Ha-Joon:

1.       He speaks English fluently.

2.       He is a zoologist, has a masters in biology, and specializes in Antarctic wildlife (Specifically, polar bears).

3.       He has recently come to the conclusion that none of it matters. We are all helpless pawns being crushed in the grip of rich, powerful, evil men who are going to do zilch about climate change or the melting polar ice caps, and all of his work and study to preserve and protect nature has really been a waste of time because we are all going to die, and he might as well just lie here until the ocean rises up and drowns him. 

4\. He’s pretty drunk right now. 

He will tell all of this to Brian (who got lost looking for pandas) verbatim while lying down in front of the polar-bear enclosure with the long-distanced, dead eyed stare only the very depressed can pull off. (Security has been called…though a therapist would have been a much better idea).

Brian (who always knew he had a thing for nerds, but is discovering that nihilistic nerds with well-kept facial hair is apparently his sweet spot) is going to respond to this with “If none of it matters then do you want to come be my fake boyfriend on an American reality T.V. show? We’ll pay you a lot of money! I bet you could buy your own polar bear.”

Ha-Joon said, “Yes.*” So, here we are.

(*Actually, he said ‘money is the vine from which all of our sorrows will soon flower. I suppose it’s only fair that I take a good whiff of their cloying scent before the end.’….which is practically the same thing as yes.)

But back to the event at hand.

Dragged out from underneath the snack table, and surrounded by family, laughter and more expensive jewelry and top self-drugs than could be found at an Oscar gala Goodnight, still coming down off an adrenaline high, sees the world clearly for one perfect second.

He sees his mama grinning with Billy’s mama. He sees his father applauding Horne’s skills with a wild animal, Faraday getting along with his Evangeline his most prickly sister, and Red off in the corner with Emma the two of them making no less than three senators cry. And in that moment, Goodnight finally gives in. Because his worse fear happened. His family found him, and instead of ruining his life it just added a little more excitement to it. His family is back in his life, and so far yes they’re still as dramatic as he remembers, but they’ve also respected just about every boundary he’s set up (….okay most of them). Later, he’ll share a fine hotel room with a man he loves more than every book in the library. Tomorrow, they’ll go home, and keep his family at a comfortable distance until the next wild holiday. Which is…exactly what most people do with family. This whole thing is down right traditional. He has no reason to hide right now. He should have a little fun.

So, he holds out his hand to Billy and says “ _Mon_ _cher_ , will you do me the pleasure of exploring this fine hotel’s historic secret passages with me?” (Because neither of them know how to dance, and Goodnight just remembered the great Humpback whale incident of 1999, and he’d feel a lot more comfortable enjoying his family from outside of this room).

Billy, the most handsome man to ever walk the earth even if there are crumbs all over his face, of course says, “Yes.”

(Actually, his mouth is still full of crab cake. So it’s another nodding situation.)

Things will actually go back to some semblance of normal after the Christmas Ball. Though Goodnight and Billy do start to make more of an effort to contact Goodnight’s parents, and they do occasionally watch the show. Mostly to watch Brian fall all over himself around Ha-Joon (And the polar bear that they apparently kept which…okay that can’t be legal), who he is fake TV dating, but would love to be real dating, and isn’t sure how to broach the subject at this point. 

Billy is constantly huffy about this guy’s casting because “They promised he’d be cool! He’s not cool. And why couldn’t your weird half-brother date someone his own age? It’s weird.” Goodnight tends to nod sagely over whatever bleak out-look on life Ha-Joon has for them this week.

The Internet as a whole adores them as a couple. Brian tends to describe Ha-joon as being “A hot Indiana Jones.” (Which is the wrong profession, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Then, one day while walking to lunch Billy and Goodnight are blinded by the flash of a camera. And then another one. And another, and another, and soon there are so many flashing cameras surrounding them like dying stars that they’re certain they’re both blind now. Billy is the first to come back to his senses, and therefore the first to panic, but once the spots disappear from his vision he realizes that while the cameras are facing him and Goodnight the cameras aren’t taking photos of them. They’re snapping photos of the bar. Faraday’s bar.

Suddenly, out swans Evangeline in oversize sunglasses, and sundress that looks modest but probably costs more than Billy and Goodnight’s mortgage, and when she turns to give the camera her most optimal angle she lays a gentle hand over her stomach in what can only be described a maternal gesture.

“Why hello out there! How on Earth did any of you find me?”

Which is right when Faraday elbows his way through the crowd, dopy grin on his face, and a large paper shopping bag in his arms.

The camera’s flash. Faraday stumbles, drops his bag and a tub of Rocky Road ice cream, a jar of pickles and a pregnancy test all come rolling across the pavement.

Evangeline lays one hand over her heart, and grins like a fox.

“Oh my! How embarrassing.”

The world as they know it explodes. Goodnight takes a step toward his sister, but Billy grabs him by the arm and makes him walk leisurely away without looking back. Cool guys don’t look back at explosions. This drama is not their drama. This is Faraday’s to deal with, and he’s pretty good at handling dynamite. Billy’s sure he’ll be fine. 

* * *

 

(*You can picture whatever handsome if morose South Korean guy you want, but FYI I cast Byun Yo-han because I just finished _Mr. Sunshine_ , and he does some quality brooding in the first few episodes.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's showbiz.


End file.
